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In such cases additional help through therapy or mediation may be beneficial.

It is also worth remembering that dealing with an affair can take time, not least to find ways to communicate and rebuild trust.

Together or individually you may want to use the following resources to reflect on your relationship and find more effective ways to communicate: Meg Barker’s book Rewriting the Rules (particularly Chapters 6-9) The Couple Connection has forums, resources and a helpline (free) you may want to use individually or together.

This may be particularly useful if you are unable to afford therapy or need some assistance in preparing to speak to a therapist about what happened.

At the time your wife wasn’t aware of what was going on and afterwards you hoped she’d not discover it.

Relationship therapy can help you both individually and together – to think about what happened, find more effective ways to communicate about how this has affected you, to give voice to unpleasant feelings and emotions, and to look for ways forward (if this is what you both still want).

Your wife may well have questions about what happened that she wants answers to, which you may or may not be willing or able to provide.

Might your presenting of events as being unimportant be contributing to the ongoing arguments you are having?

Are you downplaying what happened to avoid blame or confrontation, or because it’s too painful to admit the affair was more meaningful? Thinking about how you’ve tried to approach the issue, what you’ve ignored, sidestepped or perhaps focused on too much may give you a sense of what else needs to be talked about now.

At the time your wife wasn’t aware of what was going on and afterwards you hoped she’d not discover it.

Relationship therapy can help you both individually and together – to think about what happened, find more effective ways to communicate about how this has affected you, to give voice to unpleasant feelings and emotions, and to look for ways forward (if this is what you both still want).

Your wife may well have questions about what happened that she wants answers to, which you may or may not be willing or able to provide.

Might your presenting of events as being unimportant be contributing to the ongoing arguments you are having?

Are you downplaying what happened to avoid blame or confrontation, or because it’s too painful to admit the affair was more meaningful? Thinking about how you’ve tried to approach the issue, what you’ve ignored, sidestepped or perhaps focused on too much may give you a sense of what else needs to be talked about now.

Are one or both of you pushing things at a pace the other is not comfortable with?